Christmas Movies Never to See #1: Fred Claus

•December 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

fred-claus-poster2In light of the terrible-osity (just coined that) of all that is Fred Claus, I decided to start a series of Christmas movies that should never be seen by anyone (half the list will consist of Tim Allen movies).  

Fred Claus, released in theaterslast Christmastime, was released on DVD last month, much to my dismay. Originally, I boycotted the movie because it looked simply terrible. But I like to give everything at least one chance.

As you may know, Fred Claus is the story about Fred (Vince Vaughn), who lives in the shadow of his brother, Santa (Paul Giamatti).  He grows up hating Santa and all that Christmas stands for. It starts out a little comical in the beginning but quickly spirals toward chaos.

Falalalala, Fred saves the day and all that jazz, but where’s the comedy?  The one laugh I uttered was the unforeseen appearance of Kevin Spacey into the fray, mainly because of my deep admiration for the man. Actually, if you like stacked casts, you’ll love this movie. Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Rachel Weisz, Ludacris, Kevin Spacey, Kathy Bates and Elizabeth Banks (who serves no purpose in this movie). Don’t know if that does anything for you, but there it is.

Fred Claus is littered with semi-intelligent commentary about obesity (yeah, Santa gets too fat to deliver presents),  preconceived judgments, redemption and elitism. What I can’t figure out is the ridiculously horrible special effects.  The North Pole of little elves is completely computer generated and 100% awful.

Well, that old Fred Claus is not something you are going to want to see coming down the chimney this Christmas. O, the taste for bad Christmas movies. See only if you have a mission to see every Kevin Spacey movie ever. He is terrific.

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ORIGINALS: Lightning Crashes

•December 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

This is a black and white tribute to my favorite song by one of my favorite bands. The song “Lightning Crashes” by Live is about the joy of birth and the tragedy of death. The doodle covers the whole album “Throwing Copper” (1994) but strongly focuses on Lightning Crashes. black-and-white-art-006

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall

oh now feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she’s been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide

The video is great too. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAMnjzU-6UQ

Burress Desperately Trying to be Gangsta

•December 3, 2008 • Leave a Comment

fullscreen-capture-1232008-42702-pmbmpI am sure you have seen, heard or felt the news surrounding New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress. The fool shot himself the other day. He has been suspended from the league for possession of an unlicensed firearm. What’s better? He may see 3.5 years jail time. 

He may never play in the NFL again, which would be a shame because he is such a great receiver. Amazing how guys like he and Michael Vick seem to have everything going, only to throw it away on the account of stupidity.  As a Steelers fan, I was chapped to see him leave Pittsburgh a few years ago. Now, I am glad he isn’t with my boys anymore.

I was watching Sportscenter the other day, and they were talking about this guy’s recent problems. This seems to be his only legal trouble in his 8 years in the NFL.

I think Plaxico is really just a nerd. He drives around in this conversion van all the time, but he wants to fit in with his gangsta teammates. So, he bought a gun from [insert any Cincinnati Bengal here] to feel like he belonged. He didn’t know what he was doing, and he shot himself. He was going to buy a Benz to replace his conversion van, but it looks like it will be a while before he drives again.

Poor guy.

ORIGINALS: Ghostly Patterns

•November 28, 2008 • Leave a Comment

black-and-white-art-002This is my first upload of my black and white doodles. This is one of the ones that started out as me drawing lines hoping to create something awesome. It came out pretty cool.

When I think of the night in a creepy fashion, I think of ghouls and hippies dancing together around a camp fire. It is a time of freedom and entertainment. We all dance in the night, whether we realize it or not. Fire at night is magnificent. Firelight illuminates the rhythms in all of us. It paints a white veil on the night’s dancing images. Enjoy the firelight and dance to your heart’s content.

Presidential Puppy Pandemonium

•November 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

 

 

Obama and his puppy

Obama and his puppy

If nothing else, a new puppy in the white house will lead to the downfall of Obama’s presidency.  Not only is keeping up with a puppy hard work, but it is also quite distracting.

 

Making the decision to include a puppy in the family is a lifetime commitment that should not be taken lightly. Obama’s choice is likely one that will affect the whole country.                            

We know he is getting the dog for his children, but we all know who ends up taking care of the pet: the parents. I hope the president is a little too busy trying to fix this country to play with a dog. And if he tells one of his aides to look after the dog, then he’s using federal funds to keep track of someone’s personal responsibility.

I don’t want my taxes financing a puppy that is likely to terrorize and defame historical elements of the White House. I can’t wait for the day when the carnival wheels into town asking for money to set the Declaration of Independence on fire.

Obama has placed the puppy search as his top priority calling the decision a “major issue.” His quest for an allergy-free dog for his daughter, Malia, has sparked help from around the globe.

Peru actually sent a letter to the U.S. Embassy offering a four-month-old Peruvian hairless dog called “Ears.” No word yet on whether the Obamas will accept.

Hey, maybe this proves that other countries have already taken a liking to Obama, and maybe it is all fun and games.

But what happens when Obama is chatting on the red phone and the puppy decides it is the perfect time to chew off one of the legs of the Resolute desk? The phone falls to the floor hanging up on Kim Jong-Il.

Congratulations Obama, your puppy just started World War III.

I think everyone should be quite concerned with Obama’s major decision to find a puppy. It is not just some cute story in which everyone can participate by sending in their suggestions for first puppy.

What about the fights Obama’s puppy will get into with the secret service’s German shepherds? Obama better get a timber wolf if he wants to fend off a mean pack of German shepherds.

Then, the secret service gets angry, and they fight the new president, while the outside world is falling to pieces. I don’t think we want our president getting into White House brawls. It just doesn’t look good.

YAY! New Planets!

•November 14, 2008 • Leave a Comment

t1homedustringAt first glance, I immediately saw Batman. Well, Batman with a jacked up face. On the outset, I would say it looks like a creepy eye – with Batman coming out of the pupil. This is a picture of planets outside our solar system. These are the first ever pictures released of other planets in the universe. Pretty interesting.

You can read the whole story here:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/space/11/13/new.planets/index.html

For Batman fans, the “Dark Knight” DVD release is less than a month away:

http://thedarkknight.warnerbros.com/dvd/

Gimme some McAlister’s

•November 10, 2008 • Leave a Comment

 

teaglass2One daily event makes my life so much more enjoyable. That event is my daily trek to McAlister’s for a large cup of light brown glory.

I love watching the scientific process that goes into the creation of this sweet nectar. A trained professional dumps a bag of leaves in a filter, shovels sugar into a pot and brews it all with warm water.

Then, they fill a cup with ice-cold squares, which is quickly fused with the most heavenly substance on earth. As I bring the cup to my lips, my body violently gyrates in excitement for what is about to happen. This cup of sweet tea gives reason to life.

My buddies and I decided we would see if we could go to McAlister’s every day in October. After three weeks, we couldn’t take it anymore. We wouldn’t be satisfied unless we went every day the rest of the year.

Although the stipulation is to have at least one thing from McAlister’s a day, we often find ourselves going two or three times a day. A huge cup of tea is always calling my name, no matter where I am.

McAlister’s has something for everyone – potatoes, soup, salad, sandwiches, lemonade, sweet tea, cookies, fish and beans. There is nothing quite as entertaining as a four-hour McAlister’s trip – downing refill after refill to my heart’s content. It’s also a great place to do some homework.

The best part about being a McAlister’s regular is the interactions with the staff. I’m convinced most of them think we are crazy or are just so bored with our lives that we have to go to McAlister’s to ruin theirs.

Either way, I can’t stop going to that deli, because it is amazingly good and cheap. Yes, you probably don’t know about the under-exploited kid’s meal. Yes, I know I am a college student and supposedly an adult, but the kid’s meal is ridiculously huge. And it is only a dollar. Add a cookie and you leave full and happy for just two bucks.

McAlister’s is the perfect place to hang out and enjoy each other’s company. The atmosphere is so welcoming and cozy. And no one ever asks you to leave. You could stay for days, if they were open 24 hours.

That’s my only appeal to McAlister’s: Stay open 24 hours and start serving breakfast food. If that were the case, I could go five or six times a day. We would probably only leave to go to class.